Sex, Needs, and Self-fulfillment

There is something really wacky about the nature of attraction.  It’s like a big confused muddle between all these different types and reasons for it.  There’s physical attraction (the secondary biological need for sex), loneliness (the psychological need for attention, because we don’t know how to fulfill ourselves), and the occasional attraction to people for who they are as a person.

But attraction based on the quality of character is not sexual attraction.  It can enhance sexual attraction (probably through our need for attention, by the value it creates) but it is essentially non-sexual.  It can occur between any two people (friends, family, strangers) and even between species (like between someone and their dog).

I have a theory that if we fail at fulfilling ourselves, then we will not usually be attracted to, nor be attractive to, someone who is self-fulfilling.  We will be afraid of or emotionally blocked toward self-fulfilled people, because we can sense that they don’t have a need for us.  Thus the fear of being left alone, unfulfilled.  And even if we have the courage to like them, they won’t be attracted to us because they can sense our neediness.

We will be attracted to those with needs more equal to our own, not wanting someone who will always give-in to us, nor someone who could leave at the drop of a hat.  We have this crazy need to get emotional fulfillment not through ourselves, but through someone or something else.  And as long as we look outside ourselves for our fulfillment, we’ll be unsatisfied over and over and over.

As a side note, I think that’s the trick to how Jesus “saves” people (for those that really do grow into better people).  He plays into people’s need for something external, but the further you get into it, the more you find you really have to do things on your own.  He doesn’t show up in person, and lives don’t magically become full and abundant overnight.  It seems like a mysterious supernatural process.  But there’s no mystery to me, because the Christians who do the deepest praying and soul searching are the ones who reap the benefit.  The ones who just go through the motions are interchangeable with everyone else.

So we’ll get involved with all kinds of crap out of our need for attention.  And like I said, the people we admire the most for their character, are the ones who are the most self-fulfilled, therefore don’t have a need for us, and aren’t attracted to us…  Unless we are both relatively self-fulfilled.  Then there can be a genuine appreciation for each other.  Genuine friendship and emotional sharing.  That’s the most important thing.

This just doesn’t seem to happen very often between people that want to have sex with each other.  It doesn’t matter.  Sex is only a secondary biological need.  Emotional sharing is more like a primary spiritual need.

For example, the boost I get from sharing my feelings with a friend who is totally open and real is far better than going out and getting laid.  Not only is there no risk for STD’s  🙂  but it will always remain a positive experience, no matter what happens. It’s like a good emotional scar, always there as positive emotional reinforcement.  Whereas, there’s nothing eternally good or praiseworthy about getting laid, no matter how great it may feel at the time.  Not that getting laid is necessarily a bad thing, it’s just more of a temporary appeasement of emotional and physical needs than it is anything real and genuine and lasting.

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One Comment on “Sex, Needs, and Self-fulfillment”

  1. Tnelson Says:

    Hey very nice blog!!….I’m an instant fan, I have bookmarked you and I’ll be checking back on a regular….See ya


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